I keep forgetting.
I keep compartmentalising, keep cutting out and chopping up.
Keep thinking that the creative stuff, that can wait.
I need to do academics and ‘clever stuff’ now.
My brain is connected,
so my hands have to wait.
But it doesn’t work.
My brain doesn’t work if my hands are chopped off,
put in a box and forgotten about until ‘the time is right’.
Just as I can’t decide not to eat, cause I’ve gotta read,
I can’t not create cause I’ve gotta study.
They both feed me, and give me fuel and make me feel like me.
Life isn’t worth shit if you only allow one part of yourself to function,
and let all the rest fall asleep.
A machine doesn’t work if one part is in pristine condition,
and the other side eaten up by rust.
I keep forgetting,
that I am a whole person,
that if one part of me dies, all of me dies.
And right now I’m dying.
So, time for some creative resuscitation.
Hand me those needles and those pens,
those steel frames and that lens,
I need to be dreaming and covered in ink,
unplug my brain and just let my hands think,
cause today I’m not brainy, clever or smart,
today I’ll devote my whole time to my art.
I’m so out of focus today.
I try to read and I can’t.
Try to think and I can’t.
Wish I had no deadlines to fear this week,
and could just forget everything until my mind works again.
Or just sew, or draw, or sing.
Because that doesn’t really require much brain,
just hands and feeling.
I have that.
But my brain is on holiday…
Briefly thought of taking up boxercise.
Then I thought,
“What if I get beat up in the street,
and in court, they say that I’ve shown that I like fighting before,
with regards to me liking to do boxercise.”
And I don’t want to get blamed for the assault,
just cause I like sparring, on my own terms.
But then I relaxed and signed up -
cause that shit only happens in rape cases.